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The one I told at Christmas last month.
Me: when are they going on tour?
Niece: who?
Me: The Hawks
Niece: I don’t know?
Me: you dont know about the Hawk Tua?
“I know a great ‘knock, knock’ joke. Start it off, okay?”
Knock knock
Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, “It sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin says, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd’s in his name?
A: Because without them he’d be called Ewar Weewar.
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They’re both purple, except for Santa.
What do you call an elephant that you can only access remotely? A elephant.
My dumbest joke is actually a family joke that has built up over the years. Unfortunately it works only in German.
Basically when I was very young I mispronounced a key word in a Christmas carol and hilarity ensued that dogged me to my father’s dying day. It developed over the years into this:
Es ist ein Ross entsprungen Aus einem Stall so alt, Wie uns die Bauern sungen, Das Ross entfloh mit G'walt. Es ist ein kluges Pferdchen Aus altem Stamm gezeugt, Das mitten in der Nacht dann Sich aus dem Staub gezeugt. Das Ross, das ich nun meine, War flink und voller Mut, Es sprang mit einem Male Hinaus in die kalte Flut. Mit Hufen, stark und kräftig, Fand es den Weg hinaus, Entkam dem Stall ganz leise, Und rannte schnell nach Haus.(I apologize to any German speakers for the terrible lyric verse.)
I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings… is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it’s sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he’d be a successful doctor:
“If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can’t, we pay you $1,000.”
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial <easy money> button immediately. The guy didn’t even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “Blawrgh! This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days – he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my memory.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “What, no! That’s gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days — he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: “Sir, I’ve gone blind.”
Engineer: disappointed “Well, unfortunately I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000.”
Doc: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Knock knock Who’s there? Cows Cows who? No, OWLS hoo. Cows moo!
Your mom 😎
It doesn’t even have to be contextually relevant
Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can’t open windows in Space.
What do you call a line with no points?
A pointless line.
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
What did the liar say?
It will all be okay.
